Crappy 27 months ex-baby!

I guess breaking up with me was the part of my birthday present you were talking about, huh?

Okay, let's not be a bitch.

I still love you and miss the fuck out of you already but I can't do shit now. The more I try to keep you here, the further I'm pushing you away.

Although I admit, I'm doing so much better than that last time you broke up with me.... in public.

Anyway.................
I'm not going to sit here and just keep thinking about you.
If you don't want me in my life, I guess I shouldn't want you there either.

..

2O things that give you pleasure.

I went in for my psychologist appointment two days ago, he said I'm making a lot of progress - I don't even think I have anxiety - at least the counselling is free though. He gave me a bit of homework to do, which I think I'll share. 

The 2O things that will give you pleasure. 

What are there, that I have been wanting to do, but never got around to doing? Or never could save up for? Who do I want to do these things with? Where? etc.

Those 2O things would be: (and there may be some nasty ones here, of course I'm not going to hand them into my psychologist though)

1: Go overseas - Vietnam, Hong Kong, America and Europe (so far), of course with the boyfriend.
2: Go to a theater, preferably for Disney On Ice or Swan Lake, with the boyfriend, again, but he probably wouldn't want to go to that. In any case, I'd find someone that would also enjoy it - best friend?
3: Joining the gym - which I'm meant to with the boyfriend but haven't gotten around to doing.
4: Go for a walk/run - with the boyfriend and two dogs but only one of my dogs know how to go for a walk.
5: Have another bonfire at The Spit with the following awesome people: Boyfriend, Jup, Dom, Sandy, Kenji, Lucy, Kurt, Dennis, Ying. Except Kurt is like, I don't know... He always seems to disappear. Might be missing a few awesome people.
5: I would feel so great if I could punch some dumb bitch in the face.
6: Go to the beach AGAIN, with boyfriend, Jup and Dom! With a bottle of wine and oysters.
7: Karaoke with the best friend.
8: Sex ... well, I'm pretty sure you would have thought of sex as a pleasure when you read the title :P with none other than the boyfriend of course.
9: Make potato bake again.
1O: Get high again, it has been soooooo long.
11: Finish up with the psychology sessions.
12: Apply for the Business Administration course starting in February and completing it!
13: Get my Learners, fml.
14:  Buy a car after I get my license, or maybe asap so the boyfriend can drive it, since his car is a bit unreliable.
15: Get to level 8O on Guild Wars 2.
16: Take my family to dinner and shout them.
17: Go to Melbourne, again - which I am in about two weeks but it's not a holiday. Close enough.
18: Pay more attention to my doggies.
19: Clean up the other room, which I like to call my 'walk-in wardrobe'
20: Try to complete as much of these pleasures as I can, hopefully by the time I'm forty years old.  

 Wow, I thought that would be reaaaaaaaaaally difficult to do but I managed it! So, I gotta make a few minor changes to a few before I hand it in, but I hope it was somehow interesting. 

It's been a while since I've posted on Blogger. I want to keep coming back and adding more posts but I'm probably going to get lazy. 

xo

My God, it just fucking sucks when someone you love is completely stressed out and shit and when you want to help, you don't fucking know how.

I'm trying.

Fucking money matters. 

raaaaaaah

Long time no post.

Reunited Eugene with his blogspot :D He seemed happy to see it again after like, almost two years now. Can't wait to read more of his posts hehe.

Mmmmmmmmm, started working again, ballllllllllin'. Not really.

Just celebrated Phi's 21st birthday. t'was a blast and it turned out really well. I wasn't expecting so many people to come but yeah haha, it was a good night and baby was really happy, which made me happy. I guess all that stressing out was worth it in the end :D Alsoo, everyone chipped in for his ps3, I have awesome friends! Or shall I say, my chosen family.

Gah, I haven't blogged in ages so I really don't know what else to write. Life is repetitive apart from the few awesome things that happen now and then. That's about all.

Love love.

hmm

I want reasons to why I should spend my future with you, not reasons to why I should leave.

spill my heart for you;

I wish things were so much easier to say.. especially to my mum; the truth, confessions, confrontations, anything and everything I have on my mind, what troubles me and keeps me awake at night. But it's so difficult I can only find myself doing these things when I'm under the influence but even then, when I'm about to click send, I chicken out.

Because I know what I'm about to say will hurt. I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to keep these things from her... So I vent, now, here at this moment.

I wish;

- I finished school, got into University.

- Had a better job.

- Wasn't so slack at everything.

- Showed my appreciation when she did things for me such as the smallest things; helping her around the house, doing things for myself.

- Didn't start smoking, doing drugs.

All of this, and many more. I can change, but it takes time.

I do regret some things, but without it, I wouldn't be here now, with my boyfriend, the person I thought would be 'the one'. She knows how much I love him, she's so jealous because I love him so much...

She doesn't know I love her, I wish I was better.

I can wish now... but I still won't do anything about it.. and I hate myself.

high as a kite.

I'm never going to change just for you.

selfsh.

Tried to change for you.

Tried to be more mature.

Tried to be less selfish.

Tried to put you and others ahead of myself.

But I still get called names.

I was fucking there for you when on your birthday last year when you had a bit too much to drink and vomitted. I cared for/about you.

Just because we have a stupid little argument now, while I'm sick, you don't bother moving off your goddamn fucking arse to check if I'm okay when I'm vomitting? ..

Shows how much I fucking mean to you.