spill my heart for you;

I wish things were so much easier to say.. especially to my mum; the truth, confessions, confrontations, anything and everything I have on my mind, what troubles me and keeps me awake at night. But it's so difficult I can only find myself doing these things when I'm under the influence but even then, when I'm about to click send, I chicken out.

Because I know what I'm about to say will hurt. I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to keep these things from her... So I vent, now, here at this moment.

I wish;

- I finished school, got into University.

- Had a better job.

- Wasn't so slack at everything.

- Showed my appreciation when she did things for me such as the smallest things; helping her around the house, doing things for myself.

- Didn't start smoking, doing drugs.

All of this, and many more. I can change, but it takes time.

I do regret some things, but without it, I wouldn't be here now, with my boyfriend, the person I thought would be 'the one'. She knows how much I love him, she's so jealous because I love him so much...

She doesn't know I love her, I wish I was better.

I can wish now... but I still won't do anything about it.. and I hate myself.

high as a kite.

I'm never going to change just for you.

selfsh.

Tried to change for you.

Tried to be more mature.

Tried to be less selfish.

Tried to put you and others ahead of myself.

But I still get called names.

I was fucking there for you when on your birthday last year when you had a bit too much to drink and vomitted. I cared for/about you.

Just because we have a stupid little argument now, while I'm sick, you don't bother moving off your goddamn fucking arse to check if I'm okay when I'm vomitting? ..

Shows how much I fucking mean to you.