weaksauce.

I'm so weak when it comes to you.

When someone speaks your name, the sight of your smile, just a simple word from you and my world turns around and I fall a little bit deeper.

where;d you go? i miss you so.

So what's done is done. We're over. It doesn't cut the fact that I'm still madly in love with you and I still miss you.

I don't know what's happened to us. You seem to reassure me all the time, everything will be okay, things will work out but you don't even put in any effort to make things work. I put in my all, I try so hard to keep this relationship between us working but I still somehow fail.

I may not have accepted the fact that you broke up with me tonight... but I think about it now, it hurts but I guess it is just for the best. I'm going to miss you so much. We've been through so much and I just can't throw that away. Memories are still lingering, they wont ever fade, my love for you will never fade, as much as you've hurt me.

I love you so much, I miss you.

But I just have to let this go now................

All of me. Half of you.

There's a story behind every photo.

Why did I fly down to Melbourne?

When you left was when I realized how much I liked you, how much I missed you and just wanted you to be around. It's not something I'd usually do. It was like I was a lost puppy following you home.

You are home.

I'm still a lost puppy.

faith.

Keep trying, you can make it through, I know you can.

I don't believe you.

Done so much for you, so it seems but you can't even manage to keep me happy anymore.

I'm really starting to think things between us are falling apart. I don't think we're going to work out anymore and I don't really think there's a future for us.

I love you and everything but sometimes "I love you" just isn't enough.

Run, baby, run. Don't ever look back.

asdfghjkl mood.

I'm apparently clingy now, trying to fix it. It isn't easy and I'm probably not doing it the right way. I actually went to Google for advice, reading about "How to tell if you're clingy" nah, I don't have all the signs of clingyness - I think the most is asking of his whereabouts too much.

Trying not to.

I hate it when there's still a few hours left to spend time with each other but he has to go home with other people and at times they'd leave to go home early, meaning he'd have to as well. Yeah, I'd get upset over it ... I still do but because of this clingyness shit, I've tried to keep it in and walk away without hessitation. Ehh. '

Mum's been telling me he can't look after me and keep me happy for long and of course mum's know what's best. It's all up to me on what I'm going to do about it and even though I know things probably won't work out the way I want it to, I'm still holding on because I love him too much. Silly.

I hope he gets a job soon.. at least then, I'd be content that he's finally working and not just bumming around and going out day and night.

Still keen on moving out ... not a good idea? It'll keep me sane & hopefully will stop us arguing.. Fuck my life, I don't know.

homesick when you're not around.

it's never going to be perfect or the way we're going to want it to be.

perfect?

Every girl dreams that one day she will find a guy that does these things for her. Even the smallest action can have the BIGGEST impact in someones life.


~ leave her cute text notes, hold her hand and kiss her in front of your friends, tell her she looks beautiful, look into her eyes when you talk to her, let her mess with your hair, walk around with her when there's nothing else to do, look at her like she's the only girl you see (she SHOULD be the only girl you see), if you guys fight/argue don't ignore her, ignoring her will only make things worse. Be the one to take her hand, don't make her reach for you, tell her you love her - even if she's mad and starts swearing at you, tease her and let her tease you back, be there to comfort her when she's down, let her know she's important, love her like you've never loved someone before. Tell her you trust her 100% and mean everything you say. Make her feel loved, always.

Even if he does this much and more, is it still perfect?

...

I hate the world today
You're so good to me, I know
But I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd bee so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

. . .

Massive FUCK YOU to my "stepdad" .

life.

Put me in a coma, I wouldn't mind sleeping for the rest of my life.

Better yet, just fucking kill me.

I hate love.

It's a bit easier to write about shit when I have non stop tears drowning out of my eyes so I guess that'll be the only time I'm going to blog, just to express myself.

My mum always told me that I'm a selfish person who only knew how to feel for myself and no one else. I'd never believed her until now. Yeah, just like my dad. I don't give a shit about other people, I want things my way. Fuck your problems and listen to mine because all that matters in this world is ME and ME only.

I'm starting to suffer from low self esteem. My mum on my back about my selfishness, my uncle constantly telling me I'm fat even when I know I'm not but telling myself I'm not isn't even enough, it's not enough to raise even the tiniest bit of my self esteem. My family likes to put me down. I already know I'm not perfect but who is?

Not many of you may know what I came across a few years ago when my mum was writing out documents to bring her partner over from Vietnam - a letter stating that "I had my first child with a man I didn't love" ........ heartbroken. What was worse was remembering that my family, including my mum, told me that I was adopted. I don't know which kid would like hearing that.

This year, my mum told me the "true" story of it. It was all because of my Grandma. I didn't want to believe that but as my mum spoke, tears formed in her eyes so it was hard not to.

"Grandma told me to get an abortion but I didn't want to. I was bearing a child, I brought you to this world. I had to make a deal with her to be able to keep you and that was to tell everyone that you were adopted. Even now when some people see me they ask how my adopted daughter is and if you've ever met your biological parents" ... wtf.

Anyway ...........

21 years old this year, can't believe it.

I have a loving boyfriend who I think has taught me to love and care more for family and friends. Although I'm still the selfish bitch that I was years ago, to the day I was born.

I always has to be my way or else I get angry. It makes us both angry, we fight and shit and we work it out in the end but I'm still always holding a grudge hours later. Yeah, the grudge I hold goes away... but it just keeps coming back.

Everytime we fight I feel as if the only way we'll solve anything is if we end it. We fight over the same shit and it's always me who starts it. For once today I just ignored it and tried to calm myself down but he got angry at me for not talking to me. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'll regret ending it.

He said we're two different people. Do two different people ever last? I'm scared.

I'm always having dreams of him leaving me but why does it feel like I'm about to leave him?

I love him a lot and I would most likely go crazy without him. I need him by my side 24/7 and if he's not there, I feel like I have no one.

fuck.

my.

life.

If you love something, let it go?

flooooooooood.

flooding and shit.
shit week.
that's all i need to say.

fuckkkkkkkkkkk brisbane - i want to get outta here..

FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

....

I feel a bit like I've done wrong to many of my friends when I haven't. Honestly, what have I done? Why do I get treated this way? I'm sure, I'm always there for those close friends who need to talk, to have a deep conversation with but when it's my turn, no one is there. I just want to cry everything out right now and hopefully the person I'm talking to will understand me even if I'm in the wrong. There's no one. I feel like I'm home alone, the house is cold and empty...

Where is everyone?

I'm just so confused right now, I need advice.
I don't want to be home, I feel like running away. Will anyone run after me?

Is anybody there? Can anybody hear me?

I feel like my boyfriend is the only person I've got now but as much as we're close, he's still so far away from me.

I feel like I'm fading.. Slowly...

& my heart seems to panic when I'm missing you..

The best thing that's ever happened in my life is you. Being with you just makes me unbelievably happy, a feeling of happiness I've never felt before. We have our ups and downs but we always manage to get through it in the end and it makes us a little stronger each time. You never cease to amaze me, you're such a loving, caring and sweet boyfriend. Definitely one that's too good to be true. I'm so thankful for all that you've done for me, for understanding, putting up with my shit & more; I love you very much, Phi Lam.

3/365 . 2011

Yesterday once again wasn't the best and it almost got me convinced that 2011 would indeed be a shit year .. I won't let this get at me, I will make this year more enjoyable then all the LASTS .. I'm going to have fun and not let anything get in my way. Lmao, jokes, I say it every year.

Anyway, I did a highlight recap for all the good s

tuff that happened in 2008 so I guess I should do one for 2010! I didn't realised I skipped 2009... or at least I think I did.

I probably won't remember much but I'll try... and also try to put it in order of occurrence..

- Melbourne, sometime earlier in the year with Aunt Dee.

- Going clubbing with Nhi (underagerrr) & she got caught, lol.

- Hide and seek with a random clubbing fling.

(Sigh, not much this year, such a boring year.........)

- Melbourne with Chingazzzzzz, met up with Phi & Deeeee.

- Falling for .. the unexpected.. yeah, it was unexpected, unbelievably, look where I am now. Pretty head over heels jklshfakg.

- My 20th birthday, Obaltan, City. Surprise dinner, last minute success, thank you Ching & Phi.

- Spending the rest of the year with the unexpected .. Phi ehehehhehe.

- FINALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME SPENDING NEW YEARS WITH MY BOYF!

Yeah, indeed not much, but it was still something.

Phi has made me forget a lot of the smaller things that would have been a highlight last year, only because he is the biggest highlight of my life so far :)
Love him so much and I don't even know if this post made much sense, but I guess that's what happens, you tend to not make sense when you're in love. hehe.

Crappy New Years

Eyes are hurting, face is burning, hands are a tad bruised.

This is probably by far the worst new year I have ever had.

I'd expected it to be the greatest and all because for the first time, I got to spend it with my boyfriend. The person I truly do love the most. . after family of course.

I'm feeling a bit lost right now, crying since 2:30pm. I make it sound as if everything's over when it's not. Well, maybe just for a while, who knows how long this break will go. As far as I'm concerned, I'm about to turn back now and talk to him again but I'd be weak for asking for the break and coming back to make it all better again. I don't want to do that, even if it might be my fault.....

But seriously, telling me he'd be over ... I forgot to mention, it's our 5 month anniversary today, and along with new years, I was hoping to be spending this whole day with him, or at least for last few hours of 1/1/11. Too bad, it had to rain and we'd woken up at 1:30pm. It's never stopped him before, maybe on my work nights because it's pointless right? it takes him over an hour to get to my place, in today's case, he'd be here at approximately 4-5pm and would only get to spend 1-2 hours with me. At least, time's still better spendt with him than without. Even 5 minutes is enough, really, just as long as I got to see him.

I don't know. Yeah, it's my fault for wanting the break. I went a bit too far on that, I'm going a little bit crazy. Throwing tantrums and taking my anger out on the wall but it's nothing, not as much pain gained from that as the feeling of missing him so much ........

Argh, even though it's a break, I'll still be so pissed off if he goes out tonight.

I don't know what to do. 2011 doesn't look too bright for me.

-----------------------------------------------

Deactivated Facebook because I felt like cutting communication with people. Reactivated it because I'm a Facebook addict, only to see posts of lovey dovey's spending precious time with their boyfriends on new years...........

& I'm missing something.