I hate love.

It's a bit easier to write about shit when I have non stop tears drowning out of my eyes so I guess that'll be the only time I'm going to blog, just to express myself.

My mum always told me that I'm a selfish person who only knew how to feel for myself and no one else. I'd never believed her until now. Yeah, just like my dad. I don't give a shit about other people, I want things my way. Fuck your problems and listen to mine because all that matters in this world is ME and ME only.

I'm starting to suffer from low self esteem. My mum on my back about my selfishness, my uncle constantly telling me I'm fat even when I know I'm not but telling myself I'm not isn't even enough, it's not enough to raise even the tiniest bit of my self esteem. My family likes to put me down. I already know I'm not perfect but who is?

Not many of you may know what I came across a few years ago when my mum was writing out documents to bring her partner over from Vietnam - a letter stating that "I had my first child with a man I didn't love" ........ heartbroken. What was worse was remembering that my family, including my mum, told me that I was adopted. I don't know which kid would like hearing that.

This year, my mum told me the "true" story of it. It was all because of my Grandma. I didn't want to believe that but as my mum spoke, tears formed in her eyes so it was hard not to.

"Grandma told me to get an abortion but I didn't want to. I was bearing a child, I brought you to this world. I had to make a deal with her to be able to keep you and that was to tell everyone that you were adopted. Even now when some people see me they ask how my adopted daughter is and if you've ever met your biological parents" ... wtf.

Anyway ...........

21 years old this year, can't believe it.

I have a loving boyfriend who I think has taught me to love and care more for family and friends. Although I'm still the selfish bitch that I was years ago, to the day I was born.

I always has to be my way or else I get angry. It makes us both angry, we fight and shit and we work it out in the end but I'm still always holding a grudge hours later. Yeah, the grudge I hold goes away... but it just keeps coming back.

Everytime we fight I feel as if the only way we'll solve anything is if we end it. We fight over the same shit and it's always me who starts it. For once today I just ignored it and tried to calm myself down but he got angry at me for not talking to me. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'll regret ending it.

He said we're two different people. Do two different people ever last? I'm scared.

I'm always having dreams of him leaving me but why does it feel like I'm about to leave him?

I love him a lot and I would most likely go crazy without him. I need him by my side 24/7 and if he's not there, I feel like I have no one.

fuck.

my.

life.

If you love something, let it go?